yes i saw that this morning. it was my mailbox.
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
69'd by candlelight when the power went out.
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
Randomize
