There is an asian family here, I heard the mom call her son onyong
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
his version of basketball was throwing hot sauce packets down my cleavage at taco bell at 2 am with his buddy.the cashier kept score
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
Randomize
