I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
I just pulled a piece of cookie out of my bra in the middle of class. I'm forever alone.
time for you to cut the loving, understanding, non-judgmental crap and say/do whatever it takes to make sure I never, ever, ever sleep with him again ever
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
Randomize
