I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
the point i decided it was time to leave was when i was on the floor of the bar, after taking her down with me, and a table.
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
You can come over but I have to warn you that it is naked Sunday.
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
