My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
You were pretty fucked up... decided playing hopscotch down the stairs was an excellent idea.. it was extremely entertaining
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
She's licking the seat belt now. Feeling a little uncomfortable
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
Randomize
