Wow, your whole life is a joke regardless of the fact that its april fools day
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
I have surprise drugs for everyone
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
Holy sore nipples Batman
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
PS there is a naked boy in my bed and I just left for the bar...
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
Randomize
