There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
EMERGENCY: IS A KAREOKE RICKROLL ACCEPTABLE IN THE YEAR 2011?
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
pain. pain everywhere. this is why throwing yourself at concrete is a bad idea.
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
I definitely think you should enjoy one last spring break being a sorostitute before you get serious and settle down with price charming. I mean hes not going to be there any way. he can wait a week.
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
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