I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
trying to line up a DD for St Pats Day. i guarantee i will put out. or puke and pass out. really its 50/50 at this point.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
I just wish he would stop trying to bring his emotional baggage into our sexual relationship.
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
Randomize
