Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
Do you think girls in gamma phi sit around and think about how much they suck?
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
Just put a dog collar on someone's child.....was a great hit with everyone but his mom.......I think she hates me. I'm okay.with that
I think we should get high on adderall and nair each other again for New years.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
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