im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
Irish Spring?
Yeah. My legs are trembling...hard to walk. Feels like a neon arrow is pointing at me saying "just had sex (with not his wife)"
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
Just break the ice by asking who had to take plan b this past semester
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
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