I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
So my new thing apparently is getting wasted, showing people my slytherin socks and convincing them I'm slytherin..because why not
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
Randomize
