final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
Drunk naked twister. My place. Heath is trying to use his dick as a third leg.
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
I had sex on a seadoo on the middle of the lake lastnight
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
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