after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
and i think we compared dick sizes, then high fived...
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
I don't remember anything but bad decisions last night
Hope you are okay. You were running down the street with shopping cart at one point and yelling "bitches aint shit!"
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
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