My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
No, I've only ever seen his brother's dick. So when I have lucid sex dreams, I just do a little cut and paste in my mind and stick his bro's package onto him.
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
Randomize
