You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
And it's settled. 10 months is the appropriate amount of time before having the dick pic discussion.
I fucking hate humanity. I met a twenty three year old adult with an aol email account today. I'm not sure how those things are related, but I'm sure they are.
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
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