How can she be afraid to give you a blowjob? It's not like your penis is going to turn on her and eat her.
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
no more everclear, i just stood next to the toilet and peed my pants. then went back to the party soaking wet.
I got really high with eric & scott.. they're discussing why words sound the way they do.. it's going to get messy
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
We hooked up and then we watched game of thrones while he fed me chocolate. I don't see how our benafriendship is a bad thing.
It takes a special friend to go vibrator shopping with
Yes. It does.
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
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