So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
Not sure. No solid plans. Just tanning nude.
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
I did not marry a roomba.
Randomize
