I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
I could study for finals and ace all my tests but wheres the fun in that? id rather black out and hope for the best
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
sorry i was ignoring you last night i accidentally did a bunch of pcp and thought i was inside tron
Randomize
