Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
Indeed. The kind of morning where puking in someone's shoes is not frowned upon
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
That makes sense.. A good Bj is a trump card in any argument
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
Randomize
