I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
meet me or not, i'm out of control
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
