He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
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