i think the fact that he graduated high school the year i graduated elementary school is sexy.
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
Randomize
