Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
no more everclear, i just stood next to the toilet and peed my pants. then went back to the party soaking wet.
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
He's in the hospital yelling at his brother to at least have stuck something "normal" up his ass.
Again?
We HAVE another bedroom, it's not like I was gunna chain you into the closet. Often.
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
Randomize
