I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
Question: If I got in a car accident and lost my memory of us, would you work your way back just so we could be fuck buddies again?
I'm watching The Vow and just need to know that I'm loved in some way
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
i'm not saying you're gay. i'm just saying all my gay friends think you have a great ass.
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
All I need is $1,500, a beach ready body, a bigger dick & this will be the best spring break ever.
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
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