Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
Have you had sex with a man from New Zealand? No? Then your input is invalid.
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
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