apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
A 21st bday and NYE should be illegal to have in the same week...
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
Randomize
