She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
ya ever know whats down there. always send some fingers in first to scout the situation. fingers are not used for pleasure. they're used for covert missions.
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
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