just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
while we were having sex she stopped and said, "god is always watching". Then she started again with no other words said. We were fucked up.
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
Idk what else to talk about besides you paying for half of my vaginaplasty.
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
He invited to drink but spelled forties wrong so no thx
Baked goods and tits. Hard to go wrong there.
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
Randomize
