just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
I'm starting a business if you want to get involved
oh boy
Its called Cut N Tugs, haircuts with happy endings
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
kinda considering buying a life alert for sophmore year
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
well you're talking to a woman who had glorious sex less than 24 hrs ago so my opinion is biased.
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
Randomize
