looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
Randomize
