and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
at first I thought it was funny, but looking at it now, it screams "dramatic" and "medicated wipes."
So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
What better than a girl who loves jager, sexts like a champ and is down for t-bell at any hours of the night? oh wait, NOTHING.
Randomize
