Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
Well the "Blackout with your sack out" party turned out predictably.
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
WHEN JENDA BENDA THE DRAG QUEEN TELLS YOU TO RUN, YOU RUN, BITCH!!!
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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