3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
doesn't he have a GF?
that just means you have to try harder.
i didn't have to try TOO hard, just told him i didn't want to know his name or...
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
Seriously my new passion in life is the girth of his penis
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
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