i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
All i know is we had 4 people on a tandum bike, and told the cops we couldnt stop because our momentum was so good.
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
It looks like sephora exploded on his dick, so i assumed I was the second girl that gave him head that night.
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
