If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
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