Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
I don't think its a good idea if I moon a whole bar again
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
I have no idea. Next thing I know we're all down on one knee saying the pledge of allegiance and then singing I'm Proud to be an American. Then Trevor ate pizza off the sidewalk.
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
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