I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
Well I'm glad to hear the fight wasnt over his small dick.
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
I plan on showing these boobs to so many people that by the end of it ill just have a shirt of beads.
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
Randomize
