I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
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