I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
She might as well just lie down with one of those red "Easy Buttons" next to her
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
he turned the pretty ricky playlist on. its about to go down.
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
was I atleast graceful when I feel down that flight of stairs and broke my hand?
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
Randomize
