Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
almost passed out on the way to class today.. laid down in a construction site. bad idea
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
Lets have the type of night where its 5am and one of us has definitely punched someone who has been on a Disney Channel show.
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
Randomize
