I totally ignored my nose and drank sour milk this morning. The tupid carton said 4/22/09. i puked everywhere..
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
im kinda looking forward to winter break. ive been away from home for so long i think i can trick my vagina into thinking that these arent the same people ive been hooking up with since high school...
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
I hope your lack of response means you're banging, not talking about her purity ring.
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
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