he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
rhymes with "ouble enetration"
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
BOOTY CALL IN EFFECT, BOOTY CALL IN PROCESS, BOOTY CALL ACCEPTED, AND BOOTY CALL INITIATES FRIDAY NIGHT.
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
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