found an empty one..2nd door on the right...i'm already naked.
I'm 99% sure that for 3 hours I thought you were British. We must smoke that again.
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
I could probably do something when Im able to get enough strength to think about thinking about to stand.
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
I don't know man. She said my cock made her promises my heart couldn't fulfill.
She is still out of it but keeps saying ur name she said to tell u dinosaurs aren't real but biscuit with a z made bad choices
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
Randomize
