HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
You are mentally unprepared to be exposed to my degree of perversion.
Also, your vagina needs a time out and let your brain have a chance to make decisions.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
Randomize
