capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
I am dripping wet and slathered in glitter and banana mush. I love gay guys.
All I remember is saying that "fire will make it all better"
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
Of course I have a pirate flag
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
Randomize
