I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
We got back from the bar and started watching bizzare foods, which subsequently led to the consumption of large amounts of rancid lunch meat and small insects.
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
My first love was gay too, it's okay.
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
So what if is hockey, you don’t turn down sex with a professional athlete. They work out all day and have amazing stamina. Your vagina will thank you!
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