Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
You were right. It hurts to walk today.
When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
was his dick as big as our hopes and dreams?
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
I would cock slap so many things if I had a cock.
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
Randomize
