I was about to buy asher roth's album and then i realized he was a ginger. can't support
and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
ra ra ra ah ah
wtf?
sexting lady gaga style
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
As long as he sees me topless I don't care. Redemption. REEEDDDEMMMPPPTTIIIOOONNNNN
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
Sorry I couldn't reference you in my facebook quote. I will redirect any likes and comments straight to my blowjob efforts this week.
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
My concern for you and peanut butter is the reason I am still awake.
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
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