I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
ok so the lil girl sitting behind u was picking the hairs off ur sisters back and putting them in her mouth
Just don't lie down.. Throwing up upwards is NOT cute the second time.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
I can't wait to find out the true size of his penis! Please maintain enough sobriety for an accurate report.
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
He literally cried into his tacos and screamed fuck bitches. Don't know if it was the best, or the worst hook up, ever.
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
Randomize
