I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
By getting ready I mean putting baby powder in my hair and possibly changing my pajamas to another pair of pajamas
Just met a female bro. Things are weird at the rugby party.
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
Randomize
